Posts Tagged ‘industries

23
Jul
09

Obama not born here! Actually, sent from the future to save humanity.

Shockwaves erupted today when the world learned of where the 44th president is really from, the future.  Sent from the year 2115 to protect the U.S. and prevent the rise of terminator robots that will ultimately destroy all of humanity.

Obama, as shown here destroy a helicopter with nunchucks while jumping a shark on a skateboard, is fully capable to handle the job.

Obama, as shown here destroying a helicopter with nunchucks while jumping a shark on a skateboard, is fully capable to handle the job.

“I know the people of the United States have a lot on their plates right now, the economic crisis has been putting a strain on families all over the country.  For the country to move forward we are shutting down these terminator manufacturing facilities. Their would be no outcry over loss of these jobs, if only for one day the American people could see the fiery futuristic hellscape I’m from, on the flip side cars fly and thats pretty cool.”  The President is quoted as saying.

"Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town is just going to fall apart."

"Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town, it's just going to fall apart."

The workers who lost their  jobs don’t feel the same way.  “He just comes in here and is all I’m from the future futuristic hellscapes and what not.  I got a family to feed. ” says Skip McGee “I’m the fourth generation terminator plant worker, I though my kids would be plant workers.  Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town, it’s just going to fall apart.”-

15
Jul
09

New Smart cars fuel efficent, but need to be uglier.

On certain rare occasions a car company can produce a model that many people find unattractive and yet, somehow, it ends up trying to find a large market for an even uglier car.

Sorry car makers, there is not an attractive enough girl to make this thing sexy.

Sorry smart car makers, there is no person attractive enough to make this thing sexy.

For some reason, it just does’t work, it’s still somehow regarded as a hideous death trap. Oddly, those who own them do love them, but have been given even uglier cars.

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

“What people want  is a very small, very ugly, four cylinder vehicle, that’s just how it is.” Market researchers say.

10
Jul
09

Hellraised: Your own working Lament Configuration!

Thanks to the research of our Clive Barker Division, Doomsday Industries is proud to announce our own working Lament Configuration puzzle box as seen in the movie Hellraiser.

s1hellraiserbox

In beta testing now, mass production of the famous puzzle box is expected to begin early in the Fall. What makes this box different from the one cluttering the shelves of every Goth kid and Spencer’s Gift Store in America?

“It really fucking works”, exclaimed one researcher, from within what could only be described as some sort of a cocoon/douche constructed of razor wire. While he did not decline further comment, what little he said that made sense is not reprintable here sans a few “Holy shits” and a handful of “Dear God in heaven what hath we rot”.

s1hellraiserhat

Dr. Saunders is optimistic about the project, quoted as saying “Everybody is going to want one of these. It’s the freakin’ puzzle box from Hellraiser! It works! This really is a win for s & m and science.”

When questioned about the cost of the project The Doctor gestured menacingly, “Beware for which you speak! The gateway to hell lies within MY hands!”

The company expects a full return on their investment at least financially.

According to the Doctor “Their has been the  loss of four lives earlier in the project, and not to mention that everyone in that wing has nails in their eyes, and they shit from their mouths a little. We realize this comes at a great cost, but on the other hand it is also totally wicked awesome.”-

09
Jul
09

Burrito + Particle Accelerator = Delicious Cubed

One of the first major discoveries has been yielded from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Western Europe. A microwave burrito was accidentally dropped into the world’s largest particle accelerator, it yielded a burrito substantially better tasting than it was in its previous state according to European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) staff.

Too great a force for this Earth.

Not just tasty, SUPER tasty.

On the evening of July 8, 2009, Benjamin Irons, one of the janitorial staff originally from England, was taking a dinner break. After microwaving a burrito in the staff break room, he had realized that he mistakenly left one of the particle accelerator’s access hatches open that he was recently cleaning. Although against protocol, he brought his burrito along with him. Just feet away from the hatch, Mr. Irons tripped sending the burrito flying into the air.

“I thought to myself, ’Oh, bloody hell’” said Mr. Irons. “That burrito is heading right for that open hatch!”

What happened next was something he will never forget.

“What happened next, I’ll never forget” confirmed Mr. Irons.

“As the burrito was landing, it was as if bright blue lightning jumped out, and pulled it in! I nearly pissed myself, I did! The burrito was gone. Not a bloody trace!”

Pushing buttons didn't help.

Pushing buttons didn't help.

“Then I heard a rumbling – a sound I can’t even describe – shoot off through the tube in the direction the particle stream is meant to shoot! I had to drive about a mile in one of those little carts to see where it was going. When I got to the nexus – the point where the particles are meant to collide – I found the burrito…just floating there emitting this beautiful blue light! It was the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”

“I really don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I reached out to grab it and took a bite. It didn’t harm me or anything. Just the opposite, really. The flavor was overwhelming! I don’t care what you compare it to! Pizza, sex…it was better than any of that. It was bloody Nirvana. As a matter of fact, just talking about it right now…I’ll be right back. I need to change me pants.”

After Mr. Irons explained what had happened, the staff scientists were able to duplicate the effect. “It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.” said Dr. Patrick Davies.  All of the other scientists nodded in agreement.

Many are talking about the marketability of this new super-tasty food, and it is rumored that Taco Bell has already expressed interest.

“It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.”  Dr. Patrick Davies

“It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.” Dr. Patrick Davies

We had contacted renown astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson for comment.

DeTyson: renown for his mustache.

Tyson: renown for his mustache, hates Pluto.

“I just think it’s wrong. This thing has been decades in the making…and billions upon billions of dollars later, we’re considering turning it into a burrito machine? We’re trying to further understand our universe here…understand our place in it. You can’t trump all that just because it made something that tastes good. Is no one concerned that these burritos glow? That sounds like bad news to me. It better be one tasty-ass burrito. Somebody better get me one of those. That bitch better be the best damn thing I ever tasted.”-

08
Jul
09

Oscar Meyer dead! Weiner on display at Smithsonian.

Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of Oscar Meyer foods has died at the age of 95. According to reports, he died of old age and not a bologna related cause, on Monday.

"It's spelled Mayer!"

"It's spelled Mayer!"

He was the third Oscar Mayer in the family that founded Oscar Mayer Foods, which was once the largest private employer in Madison. His grandfather, Oscar F. Mayer, died in 1955 and his father, Oscar G. Mayer Sr., died in 1965.  Leaving him one bitchin’ set of wheels.

Jealous?

Jealous?

His weiner will be on display all month.

08
Jul
09

Moonwalker robot powered by Michael Jackson’s brain.

Following his memorial, and as part of Michael Jackson’s last wishes, the robot from Moonwalker contains and is guided by Michael Jackson’s brain.

Better, stronger, blacker.

Better, stronger, shinier.

“Nobody thought this was a good idea, but you could never convince Michael.” The Rev. Al Sharpton is quoted as saying.  “On the flip side I got this cool ring that summons him from behind the ferris wheel.” He’s also quoted as saying.

Only slightly less scary then the real thing.

Only slightly less scary then the real thing.

Now Michael Jackson can continue to entertain the world, only now as a 50 foot tall robot that transforms into a spaceship, a tour is scheduled for August.

29
Jun
09

Face stabbing proven to reduce stress.

In an effort to help people relax, Doomsday Industries has researched the most effective way to manage stress. Simply face stabbing.

For years you’ve known it was true. You come home after a tough day, sat in your comfortable chair, and maybe turned on the television or read a book when really you wanted to be  stabbing an annoying co-worker in the face.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Studies have also shown this technique is not effective for the person being face stabbed