Posts Tagged ‘funny

23
Jul
09

Obama not born here! Actually, sent from the future to save humanity.

Shockwaves erupted today when the world learned of where the 44th president is really from, the future.  Sent from the year 2115 to protect the U.S. and prevent the rise of terminator robots that will ultimately destroy all of humanity.

Obama, as shown here destroy a helicopter with nunchucks while jumping a shark on a skateboard, is fully capable to handle the job.

Obama, as shown here destroying a helicopter with nunchucks while jumping a shark on a skateboard, is fully capable to handle the job.

“I know the people of the United States have a lot on their plates right now, the economic crisis has been putting a strain on families all over the country.  For the country to move forward we are shutting down these terminator manufacturing facilities. Their would be no outcry over loss of these jobs, if only for one day the American people could see the fiery futuristic hellscape I’m from, on the flip side cars fly and thats pretty cool.”  The President is quoted as saying.

"Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town is just going to fall apart."

"Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town, it's just going to fall apart."

The workers who lost their  jobs don’t feel the same way.  “He just comes in here and is all I’m from the future futuristic hellscapes and what not.  I got a family to feed. ” says Skip McGee “I’m the fourth generation terminator plant worker, I though my kids would be plant workers.  Without the revenue that humanoid killing machines bring into this town, it’s just going to fall apart.”-

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15
Jul
09

New Smart cars fuel efficent, but need to be uglier.

On certain rare occasions a car company can produce a model that many people find unattractive and yet, somehow, it ends up trying to find a large market for an even uglier car.

Sorry car makers, there is not an attractive enough girl to make this thing sexy.

Sorry smart car makers, there is no person attractive enough to make this thing sexy.

For some reason, it just does’t work, it’s still somehow regarded as a hideous death trap. Oddly, those who own them do love them, but have been given even uglier cars.

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

“What people want  is a very small, very ugly, four cylinder vehicle, that’s just how it is.” Market researchers say.

10
Jul
09

Hellraised: Your own working Lament Configuration!

Thanks to the research of our Clive Barker Division, Doomsday Industries is proud to announce our own working Lament Configuration puzzle box as seen in the movie Hellraiser.

s1hellraiserbox

In beta testing now, mass production of the famous puzzle box is expected to begin early in the Fall. What makes this box different from the one cluttering the shelves of every Goth kid and Spencer’s Gift Store in America?

“It really fucking works”, exclaimed one researcher, from within what could only be described as some sort of a cocoon/douche constructed of razor wire. While he did not decline further comment, what little he said that made sense is not reprintable here sans a few “Holy shits” and a handful of “Dear God in heaven what hath we rot”.

s1hellraiserhat

Dr. Saunders is optimistic about the project, quoted as saying “Everybody is going to want one of these. It’s the freakin’ puzzle box from Hellraiser! It works! This really is a win for s & m and science.”

When questioned about the cost of the project The Doctor gestured menacingly, “Beware for which you speak! The gateway to hell lies within MY hands!”

The company expects a full return on their investment at least financially.

According to the Doctor “Their has been the  loss of four lives earlier in the project, and not to mention that everyone in that wing has nails in their eyes, and they shit from their mouths a little. We realize this comes at a great cost, but on the other hand it is also totally wicked awesome.”-

08
Jul
09

Oscar Meyer dead! Weiner on display at Smithsonian.

Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of Oscar Meyer foods has died at the age of 95. According to reports, he died of old age and not a bologna related cause, on Monday.

"It's spelled Mayer!"

"It's spelled Mayer!"

He was the third Oscar Mayer in the family that founded Oscar Mayer Foods, which was once the largest private employer in Madison. His grandfather, Oscar F. Mayer, died in 1955 and his father, Oscar G. Mayer Sr., died in 1965.  Leaving him one bitchin’ set of wheels.

Jealous?

Jealous?

His weiner will be on display all month.

08
Jul
09

Moonwalker robot powered by Michael Jackson’s brain.

Following his memorial, and as part of Michael Jackson’s last wishes, the robot from Moonwalker contains and is guided by Michael Jackson’s brain.

Better, stronger, blacker.

Better, stronger, shinier.

“Nobody thought this was a good idea, but you could never convince Michael.” The Rev. Al Sharpton is quoted as saying.  “On the flip side I got this cool ring that summons him from behind the ferris wheel.” He’s also quoted as saying.

Only slightly less scary then the real thing.

Only slightly less scary then the real thing.

Now Michael Jackson can continue to entertain the world, only now as a 50 foot tall robot that transforms into a spaceship, a tour is scheduled for August.

30
Jun
09

War on Cancer Won! Thanks to tiny monkeys.

Researchers at UF & Shand’s Hospital in Jacksonville, in association with Doomsday Indutries, have developed may what well prove to be the Mother Of All Bombs in the fight against cancer. Renown for their pioneering work with the LINAC Scalpel as well as Proton Therapy, the hospital is synonymous with cutting-edge medical technology.

Chief Dude In Lab Coat, knows his shit.

Dude In Lab Coat, this guy looks legit.

“We believe we have won the war on cancer. The disease is now as curable as the common cold, or syphilis. By combining what we already know about the disease with what we know about miniaturization, and monkeys, we have created tiny karate trained monkeys to combat cancer within the body. This is no less than the Ultimate Weapon in the fight against not only cancer, but we hope, STDs and terrorists as well.” A Dude in a lab coat is quoted as saying.

What do monkeys and that Rick Moranis movie have to do with a North Florida hospital?According to the DVD-ROM included with the press pack North Florida has been teaching monkeys karate anyway, might as well shrink them and put them to work.

Actual footage from the DVD included with the press pack.

Actual footage from the DVD included with the press pack.

29
Jun
09

Face stabbing proven to reduce stress.

In an effort to help people relax, Doomsday Industries has researched the most effective way to manage stress. Simply face stabbing.

For years you’ve known it was true. You come home after a tough day, sat in your comfortable chair, and maybe turned on the television or read a book when really you wanted to be  stabbing an annoying co-worker in the face.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Studies have also shown this technique is not effective for the person being face stabbed