Posts Tagged ‘comic books

15
Jul
09

New Smart cars fuel efficent, but need to be uglier.

On certain rare occasions a car company can produce a model that many people find unattractive and yet, somehow, it ends up trying to find a large market for an even uglier car.

Sorry car makers, there is not an attractive enough girl to make this thing sexy.

Sorry smart car makers, there is no person attractive enough to make this thing sexy.

For some reason, it just does’t work, it’s still somehow regarded as a hideous death trap. Oddly, those who own them do love them, but have been given even uglier cars.

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

"What was that? It sounded like a weed whacker starting up. Oh, my bad, it was your smart car."

“What people want  is a very small, very ugly, four cylinder vehicle, that’s just how it is.” Market researchers say.

09
Jul
09

Burrito + Particle Accelerator = Delicious Cubed

One of the first major discoveries has been yielded from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Western Europe. A microwave burrito was accidentally dropped into the world’s largest particle accelerator, it yielded a burrito substantially better tasting than it was in its previous state according to European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) staff.

Too great a force for this Earth.

Not just tasty, SUPER tasty.

On the evening of July 8, 2009, Benjamin Irons, one of the janitorial staff originally from England, was taking a dinner break. After microwaving a burrito in the staff break room, he had realized that he mistakenly left one of the particle accelerator’s access hatches open that he was recently cleaning. Although against protocol, he brought his burrito along with him. Just feet away from the hatch, Mr. Irons tripped sending the burrito flying into the air.

“I thought to myself, ’Oh, bloody hell’” said Mr. Irons. “That burrito is heading right for that open hatch!”

What happened next was something he will never forget.

“What happened next, I’ll never forget” confirmed Mr. Irons.

“As the burrito was landing, it was as if bright blue lightning jumped out, and pulled it in! I nearly pissed myself, I did! The burrito was gone. Not a bloody trace!”

Pushing buttons didn't help.

Pushing buttons didn't help.

“Then I heard a rumbling – a sound I can’t even describe – shoot off through the tube in the direction the particle stream is meant to shoot! I had to drive about a mile in one of those little carts to see where it was going. When I got to the nexus – the point where the particles are meant to collide – I found the burrito…just floating there emitting this beautiful blue light! It was the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”

“I really don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I reached out to grab it and took a bite. It didn’t harm me or anything. Just the opposite, really. The flavor was overwhelming! I don’t care what you compare it to! Pizza, sex…it was better than any of that. It was bloody Nirvana. As a matter of fact, just talking about it right now…I’ll be right back. I need to change me pants.”

After Mr. Irons explained what had happened, the staff scientists were able to duplicate the effect. “It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.” said Dr. Patrick Davies.  All of the other scientists nodded in agreement.

Many are talking about the marketability of this new super-tasty food, and it is rumored that Taco Bell has already expressed interest.

“It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.”  Dr. Patrick Davies

“It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.” Dr. Patrick Davies

We had contacted renown astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson for comment.

DeTyson: renown for his mustache.

Tyson: renown for his mustache, hates Pluto.

“I just think it’s wrong. This thing has been decades in the making…and billions upon billions of dollars later, we’re considering turning it into a burrito machine? We’re trying to further understand our universe here…understand our place in it. You can’t trump all that just because it made something that tastes good. Is no one concerned that these burritos glow? That sounds like bad news to me. It better be one tasty-ass burrito. Somebody better get me one of those. That bitch better be the best damn thing I ever tasted.”-

29
Jun
09

Face stabbing proven to reduce stress.

In an effort to help people relax, Doomsday Industries has researched the most effective way to manage stress. Simply face stabbing.

For years you’ve known it was true. You come home after a tough day, sat in your comfortable chair, and maybe turned on the television or read a book when really you wanted to be  stabbing an annoying co-worker in the face.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Studies have also shown this technique is not effective for the person being face stabbed

29
Jun
09

Time Machine Successful! Keys locked inside.

A dream of mankind since the conception of science, time travel, has had it’s first successful test today.  The Time Machine traveled 17 minutes into the past, exciting enthusiasts and scientists alike, until the test pilot locked and shut the door with the keys inside.

1980 Toyota Corolla: If you're going to time travel, do it in style.

1980 Toyota Corolla: If you're going to time travel, do it in style.

Scientists suggested they travel back to before the door was locked, until realizing the time machine is locked with the keys inside the time machine.

Makes time travel possible, when you don't lock the keys in the car.

Makes time travel possible, when you don't lock the keys in the car.

28
Jun
09

Adamantium claw surgery successful in lab rats.

You asked for it and Doomsday Industries made it happen, adamantium claws have been successfully applied to a rat skeleton.

Chosen as a test subject for his mysterious back story.

Chosen as a test subject because of his mysterious past.

Next week human trails begin.