One of the first major discoveries has been yielded from the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Western Europe. A microwave burrito was accidentally dropped into the world’s largest particle accelerator, it yielded a burrito substantially better tasting than it was in its previous state according to European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) staff.
On the evening of July 8, 2009, Benjamin Irons, one of the janitorial staff originally from England, was taking a dinner break. After microwaving a burrito in the staff break room, he had realized that he mistakenly left one of the particle accelerator’s access hatches open that he was recently cleaning. Although against protocol, he brought his burrito along with him. Just feet away from the hatch, Mr. Irons tripped sending the burrito flying into the air.
“I thought to myself, ’Oh, bloody hell’” said Mr. Irons. “That burrito is heading right for that open hatch!”
What happened next was something he will never forget.
“What happened next, I’ll never forget” confirmed Mr. Irons.
“As the burrito was landing, it was as if bright blue lightning jumped out, and pulled it in! I nearly pissed myself, I did! The burrito was gone. Not a bloody trace!”
“Then I heard a rumbling – a sound I can’t even describe – shoot off through the tube in the direction the particle stream is meant to shoot! I had to drive about a mile in one of those little carts to see where it was going. When I got to the nexus – the point where the particles are meant to collide – I found the burrito…just floating there emitting this beautiful blue light! It was the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”
“I really don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I reached out to grab it and took a bite. It didn’t harm me or anything. Just the opposite, really. The flavor was overwhelming! I don’t care what you compare it to! Pizza, sex…it was better than any of that. It was bloody Nirvana. As a matter of fact, just talking about it right now…I’ll be right back. I need to change me pants.”
After Mr. Irons explained what had happened, the staff scientists were able to duplicate the effect. “It was like getting a body massage, then having two angels suck you off.” said Dr. Patrick Davies. All of the other scientists nodded in agreement.
Many are talking about the marketability of this new super-tasty food, and it is rumored that Taco Bell has already expressed interest.
We had contacted renown astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson for comment.
“I just think it’s wrong. This thing has been decades in the making…and billions upon billions of dollars later, we’re considering turning it into a burrito machine? We’re trying to further understand our universe here…understand our place in it. You can’t trump all that just because it made something that tastes good. Is no one concerned that these burritos glow? That sounds like bad news to me. It better be one tasty-ass burrito. Somebody better get me one of those. That bitch better be the best damn thing I ever tasted.”-