Archive for June, 2009

30
Jun
09

War on Cancer Won! Thanks to tiny monkeys.

Researchers at UF & Shand’s Hospital in Jacksonville, in association with Doomsday Indutries, have developed may what well prove to be the Mother Of All Bombs in the fight against cancer. Renown for their pioneering work with the LINAC Scalpel as well as Proton Therapy, the hospital is synonymous with cutting-edge medical technology.

Chief Dude In Lab Coat, knows his shit.

Dude In Lab Coat, this guy looks legit.

“We believe we have won the war on cancer. The disease is now as curable as the common cold, or syphilis. By combining what we already know about the disease with what we know about miniaturization, and monkeys, we have created tiny karate trained monkeys to combat cancer within the body. This is no less than the Ultimate Weapon in the fight against not only cancer, but we hope, STDs and terrorists as well.” A Dude in a lab coat is quoted as saying.

What do monkeys and that Rick Moranis movie have to do with a North Florida hospital?According to the DVD-ROM included with the press pack North Florida has been teaching monkeys karate anyway, might as well shrink them and put them to work.

Actual footage from the DVD included with the press pack.

Actual footage from the DVD included with the press pack.

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29
Jun
09

Face stabbing proven to reduce stress.

In an effort to help people relax, Doomsday Industries has researched the most effective way to manage stress. Simply face stabbing.

For years you’ve known it was true. You come home after a tough day, sat in your comfortable chair, and maybe turned on the television or read a book when really you wanted to be  stabbing an annoying co-worker in the face.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Stabbing someone in the face can reduce stress as shown in this computer simulation.

Studies have also shown this technique is not effective for the person being face stabbed

29
Jun
09

Time Machine Successful! Keys locked inside.

A dream of mankind since the conception of science, time travel, has had it’s first successful test today.  The Time Machine traveled 17 minutes into the past, exciting enthusiasts and scientists alike, until the test pilot locked and shut the door with the keys inside.

1980 Toyota Corolla: If you're going to time travel, do it in style.

1980 Toyota Corolla: If you're going to time travel, do it in style.

Scientists suggested they travel back to before the door was locked, until realizing the time machine is locked with the keys inside the time machine.

Makes time travel possible, when you don't lock the keys in the car.

Makes time travel possible, when you don't lock the keys in the car.

28
Jun
09

Adamantium claw surgery successful in lab rats.

You asked for it and Doomsday Industries made it happen, adamantium claws have been successfully applied to a rat skeleton.

Chosen as a test subject for his mysterious back story.

Chosen as a test subject because of his mysterious past.

Next week human trails begin.

28
Jun
09

FDA approves pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

After over 2 years of lobbying the FDA finally approves the drug Bitcherol, a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends. Another win for Doomsday Industries.

Donna thinks we're kidding.

Donna thinks we're kidding.

27
Jun
09

Giant ass-kicking robot, finally a reality.

Thanks to the innovation of Doomsday Industries, the day of the giant kickboxing robot has finally arrived.

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Harnesses the power of roundhouse kicks.

I know many were opposed to the idea at first, understandably. We may be depending on a giant man crushing robot that could possibly be turned against us for safety .

Thankfully, everybody finally agreed that a giant kickboxing robot could be useful against a 10 story tall prehistoric animal that may or may not know kung-fu, not to mention how awesome it would be to pilot, especially for somebody who does not kickbox.

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Better safe than sorry.

First test is set to launch July 20th, pending more roundhouse kick tests.

Updates to follow.

27
Jun
09

Back to drawing “borg” for family friendly cyborg zombie.

In an unsuccessful attempt to rid zombies of their hunger for living flesh, the Undead Division of Doomsday Inc., has had most of their team eaten.

Actual event not tis wacky.

Actual event not nearly this wacky.

The team believed that hardwiring a special microchip to a zombies brain, as well as giving it chainsaw hands and laser eyes, may suppress the flesh eating impulse, sadly they were wrong.

The zombie has since been reprogrammed to be a lumberjack, with laser eyes.

The Next Step

The Next Step